Making Up Your Eating Disorder? | Kati Morton

Making Up Your Eating Disorder? | Kati Morton

(gentle elevator music) – Hey everybody, happy Thursday. Now today’s video is actually
all about eating disorders and if you don’t know, these videos about eating disorders aren’t really monetize-able and so if you wanna support the channel, there are two ways you can do that. One is through joining my Patreon page. There are a bunch of different tiers starting at five dollars,
going all the way up depending on what kind of rewards you want and also I open YouTube memberships and a journal prompt club. Five dollars a month you get
a journal prompt on Tuesdays and on Fridays in the Membership Only tab. So you check out the
links in the description to check that out, but let’s
get into this question. And today’s question is: Katie, is it possible that I could
have made up my eating disorder? Now, I get questions like
this each and every day. Like all the time. Katie, could I have made up my depression or maybe I made up my anxiety. Maybe I’m just faking my panic attacks. Am I just self-injuring for attention? Making up my pain? And this question: could I have
made up my eating disorder? Now, the truth is: yes. We can do certain things for attention. We could self injure once
hoping that we get caught or act like we’re
struggling with some sort of eating disorder behavior,
hoping someone will notice and want to help us. And sure, in a way,
because our eating disorder or self injury urges or whatever it is are coping skills, our brain
did technically make them up as a way to cope, but none of those things makes our pain, or
upset, or mental illness, any less, or our struggle any less valid. And I mean, think about it. When we use our eating disorder, we’re doing that to
cope with something else that’s going on. Usually it’s something
much more difficult. Something maybe we can’t
really talk about yet or even recognize. So our eating disorder isn’t
really what our issue is. It’s just hiding it, numbing it out. But to really answer this question, no you didn’t make up
your eating disorder. Even just the way the
question was phrased, like could I have, you know, could I have made it up, makes it sound like
that makes it not valid, like it didn’t really exist. I just created it out of nowhere. And I think everyone would agree that having an eating disorder
is the absolute worst. It makes us feel terrible
about ourselves and who we are and we can’t ever be sick enough. We’ve talked about this all the time. It makes us feel so
sick and full sometimes that we just can’t think
about anything else and we can even find ourselves competing with someone else for no prize at all, unless a prize you know is like, feeling the worst and
hating ourselves the most, but I don’t really think
that’s a prize, do you? No one wants to feel bad. I don’t think anybody
would dispute that, right? And even when we’re
doing it for attention, which I truthfully hate that phrase, but I don’t really know how
else to like mention it, so I just wanna address this. So anyways, even if we’re
doing it for attention, that’s only because we
are hurting, so, so badly and we just want someone to notice. That need for caring, loving
attention from someone in our lives, is part of being a human. It’s completely normal
and we shouldn’t be shamed for reaching out for support
or showing our pain in some way because we may not even have
the words to tell someone that we need their support
or guidance, right? We may not even know
what’s really going on or even why we’re doing it, but that doesn’t make it any less valid or any less deserving
of care and attention. No one wants to hurt. No on wants to feel
alone or be stigmatized. So if you’re out there and
you’re wondering, you know, if you could have made
up your eating disorder or your self injury
urges or your depression, you anxiety, your OCD, or
whatever you struggle with, you didn’t. You are hurting and or
your brain just works a bit differently than other peoples and you’re doing your best. You’re trying to build up
your resources as best you can and that’s a wonderful thing. There shouldn’t be any shame in that. And also, if you know
someone who’s struggling and maybe you’ve thought
that they could be making this up, I hope this helps you to see it in a different and
maybe more constructive way. Maybe check in on that
friend or family member. See how they’re doing and
offer support where you can. We’re all just doing our best. And trying to reach out
with the tools that we have and just consider for a
moment that most of us didn’t grow up with parents
who taught us anything healthy. Maybe our parents just
shouted at each other, even when they weren’t fighting. Or no one ever talked about anything. We just pretend everything’s okay. Maybe we grew up in that type of family. Or maybe there was
addiction in our household or, you know, one parent’s
cheating on another or maybe we didn’t have any
parents that were around. Maybe we were completely neglected. So we’re just using the tools that we know and we may not even
have any helpful tools. We might not know how to communicate, we might not think it’s
safe to tell someone that we’re hurting, right? I’ve talked about that a lot that like sometimes reaching out isn’t, doesn’t feel safe because in the past when we’ve reached out,
it could have been abused or hurt in some other ways or completely neglected and ignored. And so just recognize that that’s the role and the reason that our eating disorder, or whatever we struggle
with, is like a coping skill. That’s the only way we know how to deal with what we’re feeling. So just have a little bit of compassion and understanding for yourself
and for those around you. We’re all just trying our best. And I would love to hear your thoughts. I hope you kind of got, you
understood why I was coming at it from this angle. I wanted to think about
this in a different way and kind of talk about why we could feel like we maybe made up some
of our mental illnesses, because we haven’t, but I could
see why we could think that and feel that way. But let me know all your
thoughts or other things that you have about this topic as a whole or if you want me to talk about it more, leave it in those comments down below and I will see you next time, bye. (gentle elevator music)

100 thoughts on “Making Up Your Eating Disorder? | Kati Morton

  1. I don't have an eating disorder. But I relate to this so much…sometimes when I have a relapse with self-harm, I want someone to see it, mostly my therapist (not just a random friend of course). Recently, I have been a lot more isolated and refuse to tell anyone if I'm not doing well. I had therapy yesterday and I didn't even realize how much I was holding in. I also think that I'm making up this thing that happened when I was 5 and a boy who had serious issues "touched" me when I had very little communication skills due to my processing disorder. This stuff isn't easy. But we gotta remember that our pain is always valid and matter. And I also wish I could believe that myself :/

  2. I truly and deeply, admire your kindness ❤️ You never shame and you’re always sooo gentle when talking about these things. Thank you for that 😊 I struggle a lot with the thoughts that I’m making this up, I’m not sick enough, thin enough and that I eat too much to have an ED….you soothe my mind and make some of these thoughts less troublesome ❤️❤️❤️

  3. Who wants to admit to mentsl illness. Especially trauma based. You want to be normsi. You want to deny ANYTHING is wrong / imperfect. I can / talked my way right out of an illness but, in doing so, have also not gotten the much needed therapy to deal/cope. Its a psychological hokey-pokey.

  4. I'm glad that in this video and your book you mention BED. Honestly it really irritates me that people don't seem to care about BED but anorexia gets all the attention. If you're "too fat" it's because "you're lazy, have no self control", etc., but if you're "too skinny" it's "Oh my gosh you poor thing let's get you some help because you could die from not eating". Seems to me that BED and related eating disorders are much more common but are demonized, while anorexia and bulimia are viewed as "you poor thing" or "wow you're looking so good!". How do we get society to change its views on this, while at the same time not make it seem like we're just promoting unhealthy eating?

  5. This. This is perfect. I started SI when I was 13, and got shamed because everyone else told me I was only doing it for attention. That was honestly worse than the SI itself. It's validating to hear someone with sense on these issues.

  6. The voices in my head literally control me all the time especially at night it’s the worst it’s like a movie in my head it just never stops

  7. So this video cant be monetized, because it is 'stupid' to have an eating disorder? It is attention seeking behavior and therefore the advertisers don't feel comfortable with it?

  8. Kati you would make a podcast about all of this stuff!! it would be awesome to hear while flying, driving long distances, or even eating. keep it up 🥰

  9. I'll be honest, I was really nervous to click on this one. It's one of those things that's always the back of my head because I don't "look" like I struggle with it. I know people that have had much more dramatic experiences through rehab, etc. But this made me feel better and valid with my personal recovery and not like I'm an attention grabbing liar.

  10. I sometimes think I could have made my ED up because a lot of the times I am first "considering" binging and after that I also think about the purging and whether I should do it or not. So in the end both binging and purging are somehow resistable and if I really wanted to I could have controlled it. But I am most often deciding to binge and most of the times purge after.
    But idk I am very confused with that. One moment I think I have it all under control and in the next moment I am eating a pizza, fries, ice cream and cookies… and before I realise it I have already eaten 5000+kcal

  11. This was very validating thank you. My parents have always been the type to say "you're being dramatic, you're fine" and it rubbed off on me. I constantly brush off my own issues, physical or mental, because I think it's nothing and I'm just being a baby. This helped remind me my pain is real no matter why I feel it.

  12. I have BED and my weight is humiliating. I'm trying to take better care of myself like exercise, sleep well, and find a way to manage my emotions without food. That coping mechanism is almost impossible to break. It's embarassing, stressful, and life-altering. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel out of control. I feel like I don't have a future. I feel like success is for "better" people. These and so many other feelings are things that I'm trying desperately to halt and change.

  13. Thank you Kati, I always had this question. When I was in hospital, many nurses and doctors told me that I am acting to get attention. They said it is childish. I felt so bad, and I got so much angry every time when someone told me that I am hurting myself to get attention. Does anyone experience similar situation?

  14. Years ago, during the 5th-6th grade, I clearly struggled with an eating disorder. I would starve myself during the whole day and binge at night and then cry because I had eaten so much and weighed myself on the daily. At the time, I didn’t know what an eating disorder even was, but years later J recognize what it was and have talked to my friends and family. I clearly had some form of an eating disorder but was never diagnosed. i would never want to self diagnose, but how can i talk about what was so clearly an eating disorder when I was never diagnosed? just trying to get closure

  15. Is it normal to lose your appetite after a breakup. I’ve stopped eating basically for the last month I can hear my stomach but yet I don’t eat. I was the one who ended the relationship so why am I affected this much.

  16. Kati, I LOVE this video!! SO MUCH!! I’m starting to see an eating disorder specialist soon and I’m glad I’m taking this step. But I feel really validated when you mentioned that if you do something for attention it’s because your hurting. I don’t have my eating disorder for attention, but I did at first start cutting for attention. Near the end I wasn’t cutting for attention anymore and was hiding it. But that’s besides the point, because I’m recovered from self injury!

  17. Can’t believe this sort of constructive information isn’t monetisable. Meanwhile, Phil McGraw is sitting is exploitive ass in a Hollywood mansion.

  18. This thought has crossed my mind after moments of self harming. For some reason i doubted my own emotional pain because I didn't cause enough physical pain… it would make me angry, feel weak, but then embarrassed because I wondered if I was lying to myself. I don't know if that makes any sense but… thanks for touching on the topic.

  19. I've realized that after I finally was able to stop self harming, my eating disorder got SO much worse and now it's one of the only things I think about. TW// I always had a bit of a disgusted fealing with myself when it comes to food and eating but I still ate even though sometimes it made me feel bad. It never got too bad except for that and once I stopped self harming it got super bad and I have a really hard time. I only eat one meal a day, sometimes less and I don't know how to make it better. I can't eat without feeling disgusting and wanting to hurt myself even more.

  20. Could you film a video explaining your experiences working at an eating disorder inpatient as well as what to expect. Kinda like a day in the life and answer maybe like myths about inpatient units? By the way I love your educational videos😁

  21. Another interesting topic I think also when you hide your depression or disorder and it comes up with others.. they usually say he or she are making it up or they are seeking attention or drama queen and they are considered when they are with that person… From personal experience awesome work as usual….

  22. I’m not sure I’ve ever commented on a video but I just have to say thank you Katie! Thank you for pouring the effort into producing these videos. For taking your time and talent to help others! You’re videos have helped me so much and have helped others around me! Thank you thank you!! Your hard work doesn’t go unnoticed

  23. Instant subscribe, I had never thought about people doing things "for attention" in that way.
    That need for attention or whatever it is, is itself an issue that needs to be addressed.
    Really changed the way I think about a tons of people I've known who've I've thought of as attention seekers. Thanks.

  24. Maybe you can do a video outside the box.
    It may be unorthodox but it’s a real answer we all want (with BPD) for some reason you are the only person without BPD I can listen to and not get annoyed.
    Anyways, how common is it for a demonic entity to enter you while you are switching (pycosis) or as some night say (defense mechanism) ?
    This is a real thing. We all need answers.

  25. I used to believe I had made my eating disorder up. That things really weren't that bad. My childhood psychologist told me I was too big to have an eating disorder. That if I had one of have a swollen belly like starving African kids.
    I got very sick and almost died and it was only when I got a new therapist that told me Yes, it was valid, that I was able to seek help and get better.
    It still makes me angry that I left it go so long because one person said I wasn't sick. I lost so much in my life:(

  26. Kati, thanks for sharing this. I have struggled with anorexia (then bulimia) since the mid-90s (in recovery since 2009 after going ip/residential for a couple months), which, incidentally, was around the time I stumbled across an AOL Eating Disorder message board. It was exactly like what the ED communities on Tumblr are like, all the lingo they use today was used then. I'm saying this because I've seen my share of people online that found places online to feel less alone, even if they didn't have "clinical" anorexia or bulimia (most still identify as ed-nos). Their struggles, at least from reading online, seemed real enough, but I'm sure there was and is a fair share of people in those online communities that just want a place to feel accepted, so maybe they do "make up" some of their ed. One thing I have noticed, though, is that there are a lot of pro-recovery people out there, even if they aren't in recovery themselves…Okay, enough rambling, sorry for the long comment! Thanks again!

  27. I feel like you can progress from “faking it” to “having it” yeah you can do it for attention but after a while it could be just habits because you’ve done it for so long that it just clicks in your brain making you do it not noticing you are. I’m a 13 year old therapist

  28. Sometimes I thought I was faking, but I kept it all to myself and HATE reaching out… but I feel like facing what's going one helps you know if you're faking or not. Then you accept it. Then you fix it.

  29. Wow… I really needed this… I'm struggling so much of the time and my negative brain makes me feel so guilty about everything and like what I feel is all bullshit… And it constantly tells me I'm not doing enough…

  30. Hi Kati I love your videos so much and you are extremely nice person and thank you for everything you do for us can you talk about how to deal with addictions please and thank you.

  31. Like many other spaces, mental health is a space for imposter syndrome, and it is SO easy to talk yourself into a whole lot of invalidating thoughts. You are real. Your pain is real.

  32. Dear kati i have difficulties communicating with my loved ones every time I tried talking to them the worstest stuck and I don't know how to properly express myself I feel like yelling and crying but I don't know how to say how I'm feeling it's difficult I'm trying to tell them that I'm going through things I always feel like I'm holding back it's also feels like I'm holding back in therapy and I don't know why or how to stop it can you please tell me how

  33. This was so damn needed. It’s the question that has been in my mind for ages, so thank you for making this much clearer

  34. I had a therapist who minimized and even encouraged my binge eating disorder because I am “under weight” (have a lower BMI). I left her care but haven’t been the same since. That was last March.

  35. Kati, I love and appreciate what you do, and don't have anything against giving money to the channel. But how is the video not monetizable if I still got an ad at the end of it? Or did you mean not as monetizable as other videos?

  36. This was so important to me, this has always been my deep dark secret that I’ve carried with me for years – i invented my problems, I made them all up and I did this to myself. That I never even had an eating disorder in the first place.

    I’ve never heard anyone talk about this feeling before, thank you so much Kati, words can’t describe how much clarity you have given me, and I’m sure, many others.

    Thank you for being here x

  37. I have never intentionally starved myself but for years I have had what COULD be described as disordered eating.
    And I definitely don’t have good intentions like fasting. Maybe to avoid eating shitty food but also I just don’t like eating, it became a chore

    Could this have helped catalyze mental imbalances, or maybe be a symptom of mental imbalance?

    Idk if this question is clear I really am struggling to formulate a clear thought here. In the event of a response from you or any other commenters; I want to thank you for taking time responding

  38. Me watching this video while eating snickers :/ Eating disorders always point out to an alarm in our mental health I believe. I am someone who gains and loses weight without noticing it and when I look back, my binge eatings all pointed out to something I struggle with and try to sweep under the carpet.

  39. Thank you for this video. I've had my ED for 25 years. I've been struggling with feeling like I don't have an ED anymore because I am pretty much almost weight restored, not because I've been recovering, just because my behaviors no longer work like they once did. I still have all of my behaviors, but I have gained weight so I don't feel like I should have the label (because I feel not sick enough), even though every single day is either restriction or restriction combined with purging. I'm ashamed. I have no goals so I quit therapy a year and a half ago and I want to go back, but I don't feel like I'm worth my therapist's time. I know my ED is a coping skill from being abused, but I sometimes think it wasn't that bad so maybe I'm just imagining that, too.

  40. I had a friend who upon scoring her first date, with a man, proceeded to tell him that she had an eating disorder. He staged an intervention with her parents, then ghosted her. She didn't have an eating disorder….. 😏😒

  41. I haven't self harmed in about 6 months but i can't deal with the emotional pain my therapist wants me to deal with. She wants me to get better and i do too but i struggle suicide and self harm as a way of still trying to exist in a world of past trauma. How do i find a balence?

  42. Hey Katie can I ask why eating disorder videos aren't monetizable I'm just curious to know! Also I absolutely love your channel keep up the excellent work xox

  43. I definitely think it's possible, Kati. Back in 2016, my eating disorder was slowly pulling me away from this world. I was about 615 lbs, and really didn't care about much at all. Today, I've dropped about 150 lbs (but still need to loose much more). I'm not an analyst or anything, but I believe my problems have to do with feelings of rejection. As long as I can remember, I have had a very difficult time fitting in with people (no matter how hard I tried). In fact, I think sometimes I would even try too hard, and make myself look like an ass. This would then cause me to feel shame and embarrassment, which would lead to overeating. I still have these emotional issues, but instead of eating, I like to write. When I write, my inner therapist comes out, and helps me problem solve my emotions. Sometimes just a little meditation is also very helpful. Thank You for the thoughtful video.

  44. Thank you, I’m so glad I found this video, I’m only 13 and this really helped me start to understand why I would self harm and sometimes would inconsistently starve myself and/or purge. I didn’t feel like I was doing it for any real reason besides attention and didn’t realize what a problem it was until recently. I’ve started talking to my parents about it, and I’ll be starting therapy soon, and I’m really glad I’m starting to find the reason why I do and feel these sort of things. Thank you so much Kati.

  45. Thank you so much for saying this. I have been struggling with thoughts and similar for most of what I remember from my life. I'm turning 33 soon and I have a horrible memory so I don't remember much from my childhood but from what I DO remember i know I kept thinking to myself many times that maybe my selfharm was just me being an "attentionwh–" or whatever. As well as "my situation isnt even that bad GET OVER IT" …and in some way I think i'm still struggling with that last part. But, hearing you (and many others who comment on these videos) say these things and spell them out are always encouraging and comforting. Thank you.

  46. I spent the last years thinking I was faking my ED. When diagnosed with bulimia I still was shocked by my diagnosis, I never feel like my struggles are serious enough because I can eat something most of the time and I don't have the stereotypical "ED look" that you would see in movies about eating disorders. I have days where I am scared this will kill me and days when I think I made all my problems up. I just want to say, even when I think I'm just doing it for attention, I end up minimizing it so much and triggering myself so much that things actually get much worse and leave me with less strength to fight the Voice and i want to give up. Most of the times I still think "I should have got help when I was sick enough" but I'm glad I did. My loved ones are hurting, I am miserable, even tough sometimes I don't want to see it because I'd rather think I'm strong bc I'm not eating. Whatever the struggles you are having, I hope you will not wait and know you are valid and beautiful and you deserve all the help and attention in the world . The more you wait , the harder it gets to fight that stupid ED voice <3

  47. The very fact that people are coming and asking these questions raise major red flags for me, clearly someone in their life is gaslighting them or ignoring their illness. I hope whoever they are they are safe and okay, and this toxic narrative of “they’re making it up for attention” needs to stop

  48. As self-harm and eating disorders are easier notice than internal, mental disorder, people sometimes use these things as a cry for help. Personally when I’m unwell mentally, I may eat usually.

  49. For me, my brain works differently because I have more subconscious things happen in my conscious awareness than others, so i would get thoughts that would usually work behind the scenes when developing mental illnesses, and it would feel like I'd be making stuff up because I was aware of it. With my anorexia it started by my thoughts literally saying stuff like "I'm going to start controlling food because this makes me feel safer and I can feel like I'm being worthy" and it felt as if I was just making it up and it made me feel even shittier about myself. I hate it when people say "you're just making it up in your head" about mental illness because it puts all the blame and shame on you.

  50. what if i saw eating disorders online and now i act like i have an eating disorder because i want an eating disorder? then i don’t really have an eating disorder, right? and when i cut myself and imagine me telling someone. i’m doing it for attention, right?

  51. I've never really talked to anyone about it so idk if it's an eating disorder, but I only eat once every day or two, and less when I'm feeling worse than usual. It feels like it might be manipulative behaviour because I want someone to notice or react, and I don't think it's a real eating disorder because I can do more, I just kinda choose not to? I feel like I'm just super manipulative.

  52. Thank you so so much. When I was self-harming, I was doing it for the calming effect it had on me, but also for attention. I struggled a lot and didn't know what was wrong with me and wasn't able to explain what was going on. I got a late autism diagnosis recently and have been overwhelmed by the sensory aspects of school, but I was not able to recognise where my constant anxiety was coming from. I hate it when people say that 'Yeah they are doing it for attention.'. Like, why on earth would you do this kind of thing for attention if you don't have serious problems and have no other ways to cope.

  53. Can you have anorexia when you have that voice inside of your head but you are not determined enough and too weak to listen to it?
    But your thoughts are definitely anorexic

  54. This set up, you sitting and the camera pushed in, feels a lot more engaging. Your talking style didn't change, but I stuck thru the whole video this time. This was such a great "session." Idk, would love a therapist like you. This was a great way to put the complex ideas around the implications of making things up.

  55. Thanks for talking about this and in a compassionate way. This is a question that some of us are even afraid to ask out loud 💜

  56. hey Kati, is there a link between creativity and mental illness? i always hear that most of creative people suffer from mental illnesses more than the average person. if its true, how could that losing interest in you're hobbies is a big sign of a mental illness? they didn't lose interest on what they love yet they still feel miserable, they would feel great while doing what they love but the second they leave it, its all dark and gloomy again. idk if u get it cant really explain what im trying to say :'' but i hope u talk about the link between creativity and mental illness.

  57. Hey, so my younger sister when she tries to sleep she is scared to because she thinks of my mom dieing and then she comes to me or my mom and starts crying, is there something that can help that?

  58. I can't accept that I don't like the eating disorder and the way it makes me feel because it's the only thing I've ever sort of cultivated out of intention and will and it's predictable. and I'm fine with the consequences I endure being I miss out on so many basic things that involve my physical presence or food.

  59. I need advice.. if someone already had an eating disorder and mental health issues and influcenced me then i started to develop on my own and injur myself have panic attack ect. bc of it. Does that mean that it doesnt count and isnt real? They used to isolate me and insult me nd give me tips on EDs. Now i dont see them anymore and i am much better mainly bc of my bf helping me and stuff. But i still have a weird sort of competion with him that he doesnt even know about i always have to weigh less than him eat less than him ect. so its still there even now when that friend isnt around now idk help does it still count if i was influenced help!

  60. In my case I just suddenly felt pressured by relatives to look different from my twin sister who has always been overweight since we were little and i was always thin and hard to choose what to eat/hard to enjoy most food.I had gained weight and started to look more like her regarding weight.

    I knew restricting & throwing up were bad and I knew about eating disorders but I just wanted to try losing some weight and avoiding food until it was hard to stop.
    Im still struggling with gaining weight and eating enough,allmost 10 yrs later but I keep fighting.
    Thank you Kati. Un abrazo desde República Dominicana.

  61. Thank you for coming at this topic a little different , that’s a huge help to me and trying to help someone / people that are not really getting it and as it’s so helpful when talking someone that’s really struggling with Ed . Thank you so much for all that you do and continue to do !!

  62. kati i know you won‘t see this but i’m asking myself if i made up my autism (i was diagnosed by a psychologist) i really feel that way and i’m afraid that i’ve made everything up do you think that this is possible?

  63. I tend not to discuss my anxiety issues with many people. I did once with my best friends parents who I'm quite close too. They never said anything specific, but they gave me the impression I was exaggerating it. So I no longer discuss it with many people.

  64. Oh, it helps to know that other people worry "Could I have made this up? Am I less legit or 'faking'?" I feel this all the time.

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