Please welcome this week’s
special guest, Roy. APPLAUSE So, Liz, what is Roy to you? This is Roy. Roy used to play the lottery every
week till I convinced him not to, and that week his numbers came up. Anneka, how do you know Roy? This is Roy. I like to paint him naked
in my kitchen. And finally, Lee, what is
your relationship with Roy? This is Roy. I once spent the night in his
petrol station wearing nothing
but my wife’s dressing gown. David’s team,
where do you want to begin? OK, well, Liz. That’s quite an unlikely story. I mean, statistically, there is no
point you can get a lottery ticket when you’re not more likely to die
before the numbers are drawn, than for your numbers to come up. You didn’t get that ad campaign,
did you, David? That’s how unlikely it is. So, his numbers came up
the next week? But what you’ve just said
is essentially what I said to him. Yeah.
I don’t play the lottery. And so, Roy works with me. Yeah. Works on Silent Witness. Mm. And, um…
In what capacity? In the art department.
OK. So, we’d talk, I was like, “Why are
you doing it? Why are you doing it?” “You never know, never know.” And then…he approached his 40th,
and I was like, “Break a habit”. So, Roy’s 40? Yeah. At least 40. Hm. LEE: He looks young. What would he have won? He got five balls, numbers,
whatever, and then the bonus one. I think that gets you a million. A million pounds? Yeah.
LAUGHTER Did you know what his numbers
were before he stopped? No. So, the week after he stopped he
told you, “Yeah, those, that, “last week, those were MY numbers”.
Is that what happened? He told me, and he showed me.
He had a previous ticket, from a previous week,
and he showed you that, and the numbers come up the first
week he hadn’t played the lottery? So, he’s quite angry.
He’s bringing in a lot of evidence. Here’s my file entitled,
“You Have Ruined My Life”. Clearly, Roy still speaks to you
after… Well, I mean, obviously,
we still work together, because he didn’t win. APPLAUSE Right, David, who would you like
to question next? OK, Anneka. You like to paint him naked? Yeah.
Why? Because Roy, lovely, beautiful Roy,
as I call him, is a life model. And so, he comes round to my house
sometimes and, uh, gets… Strips?
..strips, and I paint him. Would you be prepared to
paint him fully clothed…? I thought you were going to say, “Would you be prepared
to do me on a Wednesday” “If I… If I pay you!” What medium, Anneka? Are you in charcoal or oils?
I work in oils, I do like… You’re an oil? I’m an oil person
with Roy, quite a lot. What, he covers himself in oil?
Yeah. And then you paint him? Oil paint. Oh, I was about to say, “Big man,
what are you dealing with?” How long have you been painting? About ten years, properly, and
Roy’s one of the regular models. Do you pay Roy? Yes. I pay him,
he’s a professional model. So, you make an appointment
with him… I make an appointment. ..ding-dong!
Is that his nickname? You’re at home,
you’ve got your equipment out. Got it all. Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Now, he doesn’t arrive naked,
does he? No. What happens? Oh, come on,
you can work it out, Rob. So, I’ve got a studio, next to the
kitchen, if I’m doing big oil painting in the studio.
But then, we go into the kitchen, and I’ll carry on
sketching and things. And because he’s been paid…
He’s still nude? ..he’s still naked.
Because I know him so well, he doesn’t bother to put a pant on
or anything like that. Not a single, solitary pant. How many variations of a naked man
can you do? Not that you’re telling the truth,
cos I am. What you don’t know about Roy,
is he does the most extraordinary dynamic poses, so…
Oh, a different pose every week. ..it’s endless.
Oh, it’s endless. Can he show you? I’d love to see.
Please show us, yes. Well… I’m sorry, you’re trying
to make it all tasteful, all we’re thinking of is a bloke
showing up, going, “Is it with the fruit bowl
again, Anneka?” He can do the most extraordinary… “I’m not holding those grapes again. “Three hours that took last time.”
LAUGHTER “Especially with me hands
on me head, “I can’t hold me grapes with those.” Why don’t you position Lee
into some of the poses that you enjoy with Roy? And take your time over this,
Anneka. One last thing, one last thing.
Lee? Yeah. Please don’t take your clothes off. OK. So, after a cup of tea, you are
going to take your clothes off. All that. Hold that.
I’ll hold the tea. So, what sort of poses
do you normally do? I’m still taking my clothes off. I’ve got the pants on.
I’m leaving them on for a second. Don’t know why I’m doing this
when it’s a zip. OK…
Haven’t got the T-shirt off yet. I’ll just mix my paint.
Right, now I’m down to my pants. Lovely. So, are you going to… Could
you…? Well, look the other way. Look away? Why do you want her to look away?!
Cos I’m not working yet. It’s when I say go.
OK. Well, I can’t do it
if you’re going to look at me! Can you look the other way? “Roy, get round here
as quick as you can.” Anneka, you haven’t put
the heater on. Are you comfortable? I’m not comfortable, no! No.
I only came round for an autograph. Shall we see what sort of
positions…? Hang on, let me see the cash, first. You have to count it. What are you trying to put it there
for?! I’ve got nothing on! Has that gone in the folds
of me skin? What do you want me to do?
Get on your knees. On my knees?! This is looking like
a hostage situation. Now what do I do? Do you want to perhaps…? Yeah. Oh! Oh! Yeah. Hang on. Is someone going to
fire a gun after this?! That’s the sort of…
That’s the sort of thing… ..position that Roy does. Well, thank you, Lee.
Put your clothes back on. All right. What about Lee? So what is the, erm…?
I’ve forgotten myself. This is Roy. I once spent the night
in his petrol station wearing nothing
but my wife’s dressing gown. Why are you in the petrol station
overnight? Because I was…
I got locked out of my house. How did you get locked out
of your house? Well, I went out the house,
didn’t have me keys. I mean, how would you do it? Why were you only wearing your
wife’s dressing gown when you left the house?
I was at home alone. My wife was away. It was about 2.00 or 3.00 in the
morning, and I suddenly woke up in a cold sweat
because I hadn’t put the bins out. And I panicked,
and I suddenly got up out of bed. And I like to wear
just my pants in bed. Let me…
Tell me if it gets too arousing. So I grab what I think is
my dressing gown from the back of the bedroom door, and I realise straight away
that it’s my wife’s, but I think,
“I’m only taking the bins”. It’s only, like,
a quick-second job, so I go downstairs, because that’s
where the front door is. Yes. And, er… We used to have it on the
middle floor, but many injuries. So I went out the front door, and I just did that with my hand,
went, “Oh!” Turned around – slam, like that. So why didn’t you go, like,
next door or something? It’s 2.00 in the morning,
and I live in a castle. Now, you walk barefoot… Well, no, human feet. ..to the garage.
I walk to the garage. And what do you find there? I find Roy,
and he was reading the paper. There’s not much business at 2.00
in the morning, you know. HE KNOCKS And I remember, he went… ..”Very hairy feet, sir.” I said, “I’ve locked myself out. “Is there any chance
I could borrow your phone “so I could phone my wife?” Where was she?
She was at a relative’s house. In a safehouse. Did you know Roy previously? I’d been in the petrol station a few
times, but he won’t recognise me cos I was always
wearing a balaclava. Anyway, I borrow his phone. Yeah. I dial. Straight to answering
machine. So what did you do? And the answering machine just said,
“Hi, not here at the moment. “If this is Lee,
I still don’t want to see you.” So I said to Roy, “Cor, now what?” We had a little coffee,
and then started having a chat, and he was really nice. He said, “You’re my favourite
on the show, and…” It’s a lie. And then, when punters came in
and just saw you, did they…? Occasionally, cos it’s 24/7.
You know, it’s a bit awkward. We had a laugh
with the first few customers. By the fifth one, we thought it’d be
funny if we didn’t tell them and I just held his hand. And then she came back
in the morning… She came back in the morning,
and I said, “I’m sorry, but I’m in love
with Roy”. All right. We need an answer, so,
David’s team, is Roy Liz’s lottery loser, Anneka’s kitchen companion, or Lee’s forecourt friend? It’s absolutely not Lee’s, much as we’ve enjoyed
your contribution. The thing I don’t believe about
Liz’s is that Liz says he’s 40. Now, I know black don’t crack,
but… ..he is not 40. I’m leaning towards Anneka’s,
suddenly. All right. What are you going to say? You think Anneka? I think Anneka.
Anneka? I think Anneka.
OK. We’re going to go Anneka. Right. They’re saying Anneka. Roy, would you please
reveal your true identity? I’m Roy, and… ..Anneka paints me naked
in her kitchen. APPLAUSE Yes, Roy is Anneka’s
kitchen companion. Thank you very much, Roy.