“You Know How Hard It Is to Have Sex After Eating Indian Food?” – Asif Ali – Stand-Up Featuring

“You Know How Hard It Is to Have Sex After Eating Indian Food?” – Asif Ali – Stand-Up Featuring

– I grew up in Arizona. Is anyone here from Arizona? (crowd cheering) Okay, very cool, some sad
people in the back, very nice. (crowd laughing) I had a nice time, man. I had a nice, a nice childhood. First 15 years of my life
I was truly living it, just crushing it as
a young Mexican boy. Just like living my spicy truth. I had a little mustache,
looking like a baby El Chapo. I was really killing it. 15 is not a good
time to figure out who you really are though. I had my quinceanera
planned and everything and that was a
bit of a let down. No return policy on
those outfits, you know? It was rough. Now I’m Indian. I’m just Indian now and
that’s like not as fun. It’s not as unique to just
be a fuckin’ Indian dude ’cause there’s like legit
a billion Indian people in the world. That’s not special, you know? But we don’t give
them enough credit. You know how hard it is
to make a billion people? You know how hard
it is to have sex after eating Indian food? (crowd laughing) Alright, you don’t know
risk until you tried fucking two plates of curry and
try fucking tonight. I dare you. Get those heartburn pumps
in, you know what I mean? You won’t trust
any of your holes. (crowd laughing) And you know, you know
it’s a billion people. When you go to
India you know it. They don’t even let you
get out of the airport. Right when you get
there, it hits you that there’s a billion people. Right when you get up from
your seat on the plane there’s a fucking
guy right here. There’s a fucking guy
just smelling his neck. He’s right here and
his wife is right here. His wife is just
fucking right there. And their kids are
in your pockets, both of their kids. And there’s not
even kids in India. It may look like it. It may look like that. They’re just small adults. Every kid born in India is
immediately 45 years old. (crowd laughing) They don’t have time
for games, okay? They’re just sliding
out of vaginas like, I work in 15 minutes! And they’re running out the door with a little tiny briefcase. (crowd laughing) But I’m out here, I’m
out in these streets, prowling, single,
you know what I mean? I get it you know,
women, you guys it’s a lot of work for you. You got to get so dressed up to just to go out with
a dude named Doug. (crowd laughing) You know what I mean? I got in trouble
recently, I was late and this girl was just like, “You know I shaved my
whole body for you? “I shaved my whole
body for you.” And I was like,
“Listen, I empathize, “but maybe save that
for white dudes. “I am Indian. “I also shaved my
entire body for you.” (crowd laughing) “Alright, Denise
we both sacrificed “a lot of Gillettes to be here. (crowd laughing) “Just cut the shit. “Get in the car. “We’re both late to
Fast and Furious.” (crowd laughing) My parents came to
America in like the 70’s. They got an arranged marriage and they tried to like
connect with us as kids, but it was difficult ’cause
there’s things that happen here that they just don’t understand. Like when I was
in the 6th grade, I remember I had to go to sex ed and I showed my mom
the permission sheet and it just says like
sexual education, all caps and it’s like, come on, can
we lowercase some of these? What is happening? So aggressive. And my mom’s looking at it this woman, who her
idea of sexual education was just a baby being born. She’s like, I guess
it worked, right? So she’s looking at it, you
could see all of the bad things she heard about America coming to the
front of her brain. So she’s fucking freaking
out, just reading it this tiny, just
very sincere woman just looks up at
me and she’s like, “They want you to have sex?” (crowd laughing) It’s like a single tear. (crowd laughing) She thought in her mind the school just needed
her John Hancock so they could just
then run some sort of school wide bang
bus orgy situation. (crowd laughing) They just needed
her signature on it. Like make sure you
pack some orange slices and Capri Suns, Ms. Ali. We’re going to get through
a lot of positions tomorrow. (crowd laughing) Your son’s not good at math. He will know 69. I guarantee you that. (crowd laughing) I just don’t know
what they thought was going to happen, I was 12. They think I would
see some shitty video and some bullshit slides and then come home
super fucking confident. My little mustache
and my backpack. Just a changed
man, just come home kick the door down like
“Mom, Dad, cancel everything. “It’s just pussy from
here on out for this dude. “Yeah, you know the deal. “Give me some Go-Gurt, Imma go “turn my Legos into boobies. “I have a lot of work to do.” (crowd laughing) I’m out here with glasses. Any dudes out here with glasses? I see you, what up? What up? What up? Girls you don’t count. When girls wear
glasses it’s cute. When guys wear glasses
it’s just like, Oh, he needs that. (crowd laughing) Yeah he’s hurtin’. What’s your name, sir? – [David] David. – David, that’s
good, that’s good. You wear the glasses? You’re rockin’ them. Why didn’t we get Lasik? Guys, why are, what the
fuck, why didn’t we, why are dudes just out here, we’re just holding
on to our disability for no reason. That’s like if you
were in a wheelchair and someone was like, “Hey man “you know we can
just fix your legs “with a laser, right?” (crowd laughing) And you’re like, “Nah dude, “this is my brand. (crowd laughing) “People think I read. “I can’t just throw that away.” (crowd laughing) Have you ever kept you
glasses on during sex? (crowd laughing) No, of course not! You can’t do it! What are the rules, ladies? Why can’t we keep our glasses on while we’re fucking? What’s going on here? Why am I turning into Kramer? Why are we? (crowd laughing) It’s ridiculous. Can’t keep ’em on. I was having sex with
this girl recently. Shout outs to me. (crowd laughing) No, yeah, believe in yourself. And I was like, “Dan,
I’m keeping them on. “You know, I’m keeping them on. “And I’m doing it real.” And I got to be
honest with you dude, the response, overwhelmingly
negative, okay? (crowd laughing) She was like, “Why are you
keeping your glasses on?” And I was like, “So I
can see what you see! (crowd laughing) “This isn’t fair! “You get 20/20 and I
get pixelated bullshit? “The one time I’m butt ass naked “I’m not allowed to see
what’s happening around me? “What are you going to mug me? “I feel scared.” (crowd laughing) I need it, I need
that clear memory not for now, I need it
for the old man days you know, when I’m in
the assisted living home that my kids are definitely
going to put me in ’cause they’re too busy vaping. And by the way,
these vape clouds, is there a limit? Are we going to set
a limit as a society? My buddy blew his, I was like, “Are you smoking a fog machine? “What’s happening?” The smoke cloud was so big that I would not have been
surprised if it dissipated and Metallica was just
on stage fucking ready. (crowd laughing) So I need that
clear memory, dude. So I’m like fuck it dude ’cause it’s like I need it
because without my glasses that sexual, that
memory is garbage. People are going to
be like, “How was it?” And I’m like, “I don’t know man, “rectangles, fuzzy colors. “All I know is I gave 100%.” So that’s it dude. I’m keeping them on. I hope you keep ’em on too, man. And I’m not fucking
around anymore. When I wear my glasses into bed I wear a Kareen Abdul Jabbar. (crowd laughing) That strap dude. I’m hittin’ these hoes
with a hook shot, man. You can’t stop me. (crowd laughing) And ladies when
I’m down there now you’re going to know. (crowd laughing) I’m doing good work. I can see now. (crowd laughing) You’re going to appreciate
it ’cause when I’m down there I’m going to be doing the full old man reading the newspaper
when I’m down there. (crowd laughing) I want to get through the
entire Sunday pages together. (crowd laughing) You’re going to be impressed. You’re going to be like, am I fucking a
jeweler right now? My God. (crowd laughing) So yeah dudes fuckin’
keep your glasses on man. Don’t let, don’t let
’em, don’t let ’em let you take them off, man. So what? So what? I’m wearing glasses, who cares? The window’s open,
some sunlight gets in. These are transitions, they might turn to
sunglasses halfway. (crowd laughing) Just deal with it. I shaved whole body for you. (crowd laughing) (techno music)

100 thoughts on ““You Know How Hard It Is to Have Sex After Eating Indian Food?” – Asif Ali – Stand-Up Featuring

  1. Brilliant set my friend! My girlfriend puts my glasses on me when we are at it, she wants me to see everything. She like the look, maybe the illusion of intelligence is a turn on 😂🤣😂

  2. Where has this man been😂he is hilarious! Need more of him! He’s also cute so props Asif. And guys with glasses is cool now👍even Chris Evans could rock it.

  3. First Indian who doesn't have 99% of his jokes about the struggle of him being an Indian born in America and having discrimination crap as the main topic !

    Now that was refreshingly hilarious lmao

  4. "When girls wear glasses, it's cute."
    Try telling that to my mom in the 80's. She thought being fat and wearing glasses was the WORST thing you could ever be as a teenage girl. And she wasn't even fat, just slightly chunky. We call that 'Thicc' now.
    80's, I'm telling ya.

  5. Look, I’d want dude around during any part of my day…I want the knee slapper commentary while I’m in line at the DMV & he’s gonna deliver!

  6. This guy is Indian Sean Patton. Nothing wrong with it, if you think I'm lying go watch a Sean Patton comedy set on YouTube

  7. I really don't get the concept of Indians living abroad using their parents or culture as the main topic of their routine
    I mean get another ideas come on

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